Celebrating “No”

Just as we all have different ways of saying, “No” we all have different patterns and ways of separating that are habitual.

Much of our pain comes from our lack of balance between “Yes” and “No”. We tend to separate the two cognitively, but we don’t separate them affectively.

If we respect our partners we are able to say, “No” to each other in a way that cements the partnership.

We can think about this in terms of saying, “No” to other people, but we can also think about it in terms of, “How do we say, “No” to ourselves?” How that fits with attachment is that we have to be willing to say, “No” to ourselves in the moment so the other person can get their attachment needs met at this particular time.

Saying, “No” is fundamental and therefore is a principle of attachment. When we are born we say, “Yes” but we also say, “No”. The crux of it starts there.

The growing organism inside the mother is a “No” to her because it will stop being part of her. That is the price of being. Detachment from Mother is both a physical and emotional insult to her. But at birth, back to the paradox, the infant latches on and says, “Yes”. As we follow Nature, we learn that we go away in order to stay.